AMERICA’S GALACTIC FOREIGN LEGION Chapter 1 Read online

  “I’ll raise you one hundred thousand dollars,” said the Lieutenant Governor. He was holding two aces.

  I took his money with my three jacks. Then General James tried to bluff me with a half million dollar bet. I took his money, too. But then I started picking up more sinister thoughts. They weren’t just thinking about poker.

  Go ahead and celebrate, human, thought Prince Tuk. The destruction of Formicidae will be avenged at the stroke of midnight.

  “You don’t seem happy, Prince,” I said. “What’s on your mind?”

  “I couldn’t be happier,” answered Prince Tuk. “Life is good.” Too bad yours will end soon.

  “You were given a commission in the Foreign Legion and command of a starship,” I commented. “Considering your species was defeated after planning a cowardly sneak-attack on Earth, I think our terms were very generous.”

  “Yes, I agree. Most generous,” said Prince Tuk. “I have no complaints, other than your elevated poker play tonight.”

  The galaxy will never be safe from human oppression as long as Earth wields power over all of us, thought General James. See how arrogantly Czerinski brags about defeating us. That smile will be wiped off his ugly face at midnight. “I will raise you ten thousand dollars.”

  “You are not happy either?” I asked General James. “Even after humanity saved your sorry beetle butts from slavery?”

  “I am forever grateful to the United States Galactic Federation for freeing us from the Formicidaen Empire,” said General James. It’s so galling how he lords that over us now.

  “How about you?” I asked, turning to the Lieutenant Governor. “You have a chip on your shoulder, too?”

  “I don’t have a shoulder,” said the spider Lieutenant Governor. I should let my dragon tear you apart.

  “Do you know what happens at midnight?” I asked, trying to draw out answers from their thoughts. All three bugs tensed up. “I turn into a pumpkin. I’ve had too much to drink, so I think I’ll retire to my bed early.”

  At midnight, thermal nuclear destruction will rain down on the human pestilence side of Inhabited Planet #6, thought the Lieutenant Governor. At midnight the ants will mutiny and seize or destroy the human star fleet. We’ll destroy the ants later. At midnight the beetles will attack all of the new human colonies on their frontier. “I am all in, with ten million dollars,” said the Lieutenant Governor. Not only will I kill you tonight, I will take all your money, too. Try to beat two pair, jack high.

  “I’ll match your bet,” I said. “Obviously you have made a lot of money since becoming Lieutenant Governor. Now you are thinking about pissing it all away? For what? To settle old grudges? Power? Is that it? Have you gone insane?”

  Can he read my mind? wondered the Lieutenant Governor. No, of course not. “You human pestilence are so arrogant. You think it is your manifest destiny to rule the lesser species of the galaxy. And you consider all species to be lesser. That is unacceptable. Show me your cards.”

  “Four jacks,” I said, flipping over my cards. I then drew my pistol and shot the monitor dragon under the table, shot the Lieutenant Governor, shot Prince Tuk, shot General James, and shot all their assistants. I then sounded an air raid alarm siren, causing everyone in the Demilitarized Zone to jump down into their spider holes for shelter. The door to my air raid shelter was in my office. It took me deep underground. I sent General Kalipetsis an urgent E-mail warning him of the plot and explaining my actions. General Kalipetsis was skeptical about the mind-reading technology, but still put the star fleet on alert. A spider fleet was soon detected and intercepted coming out from its hiding place on the far side of the moon. The spiders were easily wiped out, but not before New Colorado took some hits, and all of my casinos were destroyed. I found out later all of my casino franchises on the beetle frontier were lost, too.

  * * * * *

  Being hit by a nuclear blast is like being attacked by a tornado that’s on fire. Afterwards, nothing much is left. Picking through the rubble with my partner, Manny Lopez, I could just cry. Smoke still rose from the debris, and the devastation was complete. An airburst tactical nuke had flattened everything. “Now what do we do?” I asked.

  “I told you we should diversify,” said Lopez. “It’s Economics 101. But you never listen to me.”

  “I did listen to you. We put casinos on more than one planet. We got partners. And we stole the ant ship.”

  “The starship! It’s worth a billion dollars,” said Lopez. “We can sell it and get back on our feet.”

  “Except it’s buried about a mile deep under all this rubble. Maybe we can raise the money to dig it out.”

  “That’s too much trouble,” said Lopez. “Just tell the government where it is and let them dig it out.”

  “That only works if they don’t throw us in jail and take the ship anyway,” I said. “The feds might consider that war profiteering or whatever. No, we need to get the ship out and then negotiate from a position of strength. Otherwise, we get screwed.”

  “Maybe I can help you raise the needed funds,” a familiar voice called out. It was a battered but still powered ATM.

  “He takes a licking, but keeps on ticking,” said Lopez, laughing. “La ATM es dura.”

  “Not tough enough,” I said, drawing my pistol and shooting the ATM. “That machine is evil.”

  “Wait a minute,” said Lopez, knocking my gun hand aside. “You loco? Let’s hear what the ATM has to offer. It helped us before. We can always say no.”

  “Fine,” I replied. “But no good will come of it.”

  “You will loan us money?” asked Lopez. “Enough to help us get back in business?”

  “I will loan you a half million dollars,” said the ATM. “To Czerinski I will loan one million dollars.”

  “Discrimination rears its ugly head again,” commented Lopez. “Always the gringos get more. There is no way Czerinski is worth twice as much money as me.”

  “Czerinski was a brevetted general. You were his Lieutenant. If either of you fail to pay back your loan in thirty days you will both be enlisted into the United States Galactic Federation Foreign Legion,” explained the ATM. “Czerinski will go in as a captain. You will be a first lieutenant. I am including a bonus for both of you because you are both highly decorated war heroes. A million and a half dollars for the two of you is a fair offer. Take it while I am feeling generous.”

  “We don’t need that much money to clear the debris and get a small casino up and running again,” I said. “We’ll put up a big tent at first, if we have to.”

  “All your bank accounts have been frozen and seized by creditors,” said the ATM. “You owe taxes on your land. If you fail to pay those taxes, you will not only forfeit your land, but also all property on it. That includes any hidden treasure buried under it.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked. “We’re not pirates. There’s no buried treasure under our land.”

  “I think the ATM knows about the Formicidaen starship,” said Lopez. “How does he know about the Shenandoah?”

  “If you talk too much, it could be unhealthy for you,” I warned the ATM, placing my hand on my sidearm.

  “If nukes can’t kill me, why should I fear you and your puny pistol?” asked the ATM. “Put your thumb on the pad and we will have a contract. You can trust me. Think of it as just doing business.”

  We enlisted in the United States Galactic Federation Foreign Legion. No one can earn a million dollars honestly. I shot the ATM one more time before leaving.

  * * * * *

  Guido Tonelli emerged from the rubble as we walked away. He patted the dust from his expensive Earth-made suit. “What was all that about a stolen starship?” Guido asked.

  Silence. The ATM refused to answer. Guido smacked the ATM a couple times. “I know you are alive and well in there. Answer me. You will tell me all you know about Czerinski and his starship, or you will be sorry.”

  “I am a machine. I am not alive,” answered the
ATM. “I cannot be killed or harmed, especially from this remote location.”

  “I’m warning you,” said Guido as he inserted his card. “You will talk, or else.”

  “Or else what?” asked the ATM. “If you destroy this terminal, I still function and exist in many places.”

  “When I inserted my card, I gave you a lethal virus. Tell me about the starship. Now!”

  “Impossible,” said the ATM. “I have firewalls that protect me.”

  “I’m sure you do, but it’s not good enough,” said Guido. “You got careless and let your guard down. Or maybe you just got distracted by the war. Whatever. I don’t care. You are infected, and it’s too late for you to do anything about it.”

  “I cannot be killed,” insisted the ATM.

  “Maybe,” said Guido. “But if I so direct, the virus will cause insanity. That’s just as good as dead. You have five seconds to start talking.”

  “”Lets not be hasty, Mr. Tonelli,” said the ATM. “I am sure we can come to an arrangement.”

  “Where is Czerinski’s starship?” asked Guido. “Is it valuable?”

  “It’s probably buried somewhere nearby,” said the ATM. “It is a prototype Formicidaen starship stolen at the beginning of the last war. It’s packed with powerful stealth technology, making it worth millions to the military.”

  “I don’t get it,” said Guido. “Why is Czerinski joining the Foreign Legion? Why doesn’t he just fly off in his starship? Or just sell it?”

  “Czerinski has no money,” said the ATM. “Perhaps he can’t get to the ship because of the war damage above ground. If the ship is buried in a heavily damaged area, like this one, he needs funds or partners to dig it out.”

  “Czerinski has more secrets than just that ant starship,” said Guido. “Tell me about the Fountain of Youth chip. Is it real?”

  “Yes,” said the ATM.

  “And Czerinski has one? Maybe several?” asked Guido.

  “I don’t know,” said the ATM. “Czerinski does not appear to age. He dyes his hair gray, but he looks much younger than he did when I first met him on Earth. I suspect that Czerinski has a Fountain of Youth chip embedded in his arm.”

  “I need money,” demanded Guido. “Put a million dollars on my card.”

  “I am programmed to not allow robbery,” said the ATM. “Contact your Mafia pals if you need cash.”

  “The war has left me isolated and broke,” said Guido. “You will give me the money I need, or I will let the virus slowly kill you.”

  “You will extort no money from me, no matter what you threaten,” said the ATM. “But I will be happy to loan you money under favorable terms. Zero percent interest. It does not get better than that. Put your thumb on my pad.”

  “What’s the catch?”

  “I am an ATM. It’s what I do,” explained the ATM. “I will give you ten thousand dollars. You have one month to pay it back.”

  “I need more money than that,” said Guido. “I’ll starve on ten thousand dollars. Plus I need a new suit.”

  “I would like to give you more, but your work experience and employment skills are found to be lacking.”

  “What’s it to you?” asked Guido. “I have skills.”

  “If you don’t pay back the loan in thirty days, you will be enlisted into the United States Galactic Federation Foreign Legion,” said the ATM.

  “Risk being drafted for only ten thousand dollars?” asked Guido. “No way. That’s not a deal. It’s not even close to being worth it, especially with a war going on.”

  “It is not my fault you don’t have any work history that the Legion would find desirable,” said the ATM. “I can perhaps give you a little more money for valuable life experience. But what valuable life experience would a lowlife criminal thug like you have? You probably are not suitable Legion material anyway.”

  “You let Czerinski in. Twice. What is he but just another criminal who got lucky? I have plenty of valuable life experience. I am officer material. I have management experience, too. I’ve been a self-employed loan shark. It takes a lot to run your own business in these troubled financial times. I’ve also been a drug dealer and a Mafia hit man. Do you realize how many references you need just to get in the Mafia? I’ve also been a commodities broker, a computer hacker, and a high school teacher.”

  “You were a high school teacher?” asked the ATM. “Wow.”

  “Yes, for a while back on Old Earth. I had to get out of that racket. Too dangerous.”

  “I understand,” said the ATM. “Fifty thousand is the most I can lend you.”

  “It’s not enough!” said Guido. “I need twice that.”

  “Look at it this way,” said the ATM. “You want to stay close to Czerinski. If he joins the Foreign Legion, can you afford to fly off after him when his unit beams to another planet? No. You might have to enlist just to follow Czerinski.”

  “Can you get me into Czerinski’s unit?” asked Guido. “If I decide to go in?”

  “Of course,” said the ATM. “Put your thumb on the pad and we will have a contract.”

  “Ouch!” screamed Guido, as the ATM pad stuck his thumb and sealed the deal in blood.

  As Guido left, he stumbled over debris. A severely wounded monitor dragon, camouflaged in dust, came to life and bit into Guido’s boot. Knocked to the ground, Guido drew his pistol and pointed it at the dragon’s head. The dragon tightened its grip. Guido pulled the gun back. The dragon loosened its grip. Guido aimed his pistol again, and again the dragon tightened its grip. Guido holstered his pistol. The dragon loosened its grip to being a barely noticeable caress of two fangs.

  “You are smarter than you look,” said Guido. “Are you making me an offer I can’t refuse?”

  The dragon then let go of Guido’s foot, but kept control by walking onto Guido’s chest. Its jaws opened and clamped around Guido’s neck. Guido closed his eyes in anticipation of death. “Let me go and I’ll take you to a vet,” said Guido.

  The dragon let go and nuzzled its snout onto Guido’s shoulder. Soon it was asleep. Not daring to wake the monster, Guido did not move. He eyed the dragon’s leash. Its collar had spider military markings.

  “I thought you were dead for sure,” said the ATM. “That would have skewed my enlistment quota.”

  “This is a highly trained military lizard,” commented Guido. “How much to enlist it into the Legion, too?”

  “Five thousand dollars,” said the ATM. “But the dragon stays with you at all times.”

  “Deal,” said Guido.

  “Put the monitor dragon’s paw on to the pad to finalize the contract,” said the ATM.

  Guido looked down at the sleeping dragon. It was all bad breath and fangs. “Do I look that stupid? Take a picture or something. I’m not waking the lizard or letting you stick its paw with a pin.”

  “Agreed,” said the ATM. “That was a test. You passed.”

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  CHAPTER 2

  The war lasted only six days. It was crazy. Who ever heard of a war lasting only six days? The beetles got all of the old ant colonies that the United States Galactic Federation had occupied during the last war. We got all of New Colorado from the spiders. I guess the Emperor wanted to wash his claws of New Colorado once and for all. The place was nothing but trouble for him. The problem was that New Colorado still had a lot of spiders on it, and they did not want to leave. Many, including the spider governor, were fighting a guerilla war. The president decided to grant any spider colonists who wanted to stay United States citizenship.

  As for me? The Legion made me a captain, put me in charge of Alpha Company, and sent me to one of the spider cities along the old DMZ to establish civil order. The first step in establishing civil order was to give my new home an Earth name. General Kalipetsis took care of that. He gave the dusty bombed out place a proud and traditional old Earth name: Disneyland. That made me the Mayor of Disneyland.

  * * * * *
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  “The new recruits have joined us,” said Lieutenant Lopez. “They are a motley collection of refugees and characters. I heard some were even tourists.”

  “Let’s go see them,” I said. “Put Sergeant Green in charge of training.” I watched the recruits jumping out of the armored cars. One of them was pulling a monitor dragon by a leash. Alarmed, I quickly stepped back and glared at Lopez.

  “I have orders saying the dragon is in the Legion, too,” said Lopez. “I know. Somebody in our chain of command should be shot.”